An Ill-Fated First Date

I am someone who enjoys going on dates and I can’t get enough of them. And I mean that literally. I cannot get a date(Please someone offer to buy me wings). Let’s get old school and take this back to the year 2013 for my first date ever. The month was April and I had just seen a movie with some friends. What that movie is about is irrelevant right now. But afterward my friends all got their rides home(without offering me one!) and so I had to call my dad to scoop me up. While waiting for my ride outside the theater I chatted up the attendant who me and my friends bought tickets from as she had just got off her shift. Maybe I planned it like that you’ll never know(wink). Earlier in the night my friend swore she was hitting on him and not me and this was my chance to prove him(that bastard) wrong. Firstly, she was totally mystified by my Cosby cardigan *wear it during performance*. So we chat a little bit until her ride gets there at which point I fumble out the words “What’s your number??” as she walked down the steps to the car. Secondly, she was totally walking slow enough so I could get a chance to ask(k n o w l e d g e). I fumbled the number into my chunky flip phone(with a full keyboard might I ask) and hoped I got the number correct. So we text for a couple weeks with those small victories in between like her breaking the call barrier or a good night text. You know all that fun stuff deemed to be super important at that age. Eventually I got the balls to just ask her on a date. She said yes and I was feeling myself so much in the spur of the moment I offered her a ride to and from the theater. Only one problem: I wasn’t even allowed to even think about driving my dad’s car unsurpervised. Luckily she only accepted the offer for a ride home. How would I get around this problem? Well with most things in life money of course! I had a friend of mine who had his own car pick me up and then drop me and my date back home for only $20(Quite the steal if you ask me). Well you should always read the fine print and theriein lies the second problem. On the day of this date I was dressed all spiffy in my plaid shorts and my U.S. Polos sneakers(not Ralph Lauren) and the least wrinkled polo shirt I could find. I even wore a watch which is major foreshadowing of the timing I would NOT have towards the end of the night. But my friend ended up picking me up about a half hour late and thus we would miss most of those precious previews everyone loves but also he brought along two of his friends to keep him company in the mall while I was making the best of a good night. We finally get there and a third problem arises(yes more counting. This is like an episode of sesame street at this point) which I should’ve seen coming. The theater we went to is the same as the one we met at aka the one she works at. The tickets were even free and the popcorn was discounted and at this point I feel more like her little brother than her date. Everyone knows her of course so she’s chatting people up on the way to our theater room and I’m feeling a bit like a third wheel. We make it to our theater just in time to secure some good seats and chat a few minutes before the previews start. You know all that good stuff about Obama wearing Jordans or Male pattern baldness(Lookin at you Vin Diesel). So the movie starts, Fast and Furious 6 by the way. Also thirdly don’t go to a movie theater on a first date. We had started off laughing through previews and we were both engaged throughout the movie and it was getting close to the end and then it happened. Defcon 1. She leaned in close to me and I did nothing. Hands folded like a hotel towel. In my mind I didn’t wanna do it because I wasn’t sure how she’d react. Well what followed next was even worse. After a few minutes of leaning in she began to lean away and even sit all the way forward. I blew it. After the movie I could feel the cold shoulder her responses becoming short and to the point. A complete one-eighty of before the movie. So now we need to squeeze into my buddy’s Nissan Altima. All five of us. My buddy had the music blaring and what was worse is my date got middle seat. It’s almost impossible to comeback now. We get to her house and I walk her to the door and my last ditch attempt to salvage the night with a hug goes rebuffed. Devastation. On the way back to my house the entire crew knew the same thing. The chorus of “Ahhhh!”(from Do The Right Thing) rang out at my apparently obvious blunder in the theater. I sent a text when I got home telling her goodnight and I enjoyed the date. A formality at this point really. So we would lose contact over the next couple days and so ended the saga of my first first date.