Euphoric Fever Dream Brain

Right so. As someone who tends to really fall for someone when I like them there is always the potential for my mind to become awash with endless possibilities between me and that person. I went on a date back in February and it went so well I had already moved in with her(in my mind) before the night was even over. It was great. I was gonna move to philly for a job then move in with her(she did say she was struggling with rent lol) Then we’d make the occasional trip up the turnpike to see my family(five times per year max; six on a leap year lol). Only it didn’t happen. Not even close. She’d tell me a week later that she wasn’t interested in pursuing anything further with me. Now that read a lot more like an application rejection letter than a person whom we just recently had a blast together in the upper philly bar scene. Regardless another one of my romance induced euphoric fever dreams went belly up just like my dating life in general.. ugh.. Well anyway I needed to be single for awhile anyway. It would make finding the next person that much sweeter and give me much needed time to “improve” myself. Or at least that what I would tell myself. As fate would have it however I happened to be doing one of these(story slam) at university. I went up there and absolutely knocked it out of the park. So that’s what self improvement feels like. Anyway I would meet a cool girl at that very event and I was not about to make the same mistake again. I will not allow my mind to become awash with romantic possibilities. I’ve changed of course. I don’t do that anymore. Well that change lasted all as much as one month. Soon I found myself confessing my feelings to her in which she reciprocated… eventually. Unfortunately a lengthy summer break got in the way of that. A combination of an ill-fated road trip as well as the long stints between visits doomed us for the summer. I had the idea of the trip being a sort of unifying force. It did the opposite. We didn’t know as much about the other as we thought. It was supposed to be a conversation about “us” going forward but it just became “you and I”. It was supposed to be let’s move in together at the end of the school year. It just became me heading back home at the end of the trip to the cramped room in my parents’ house that I had outgrown by fifteen years. It was devastation, embarrassment and absolute emotional drainage wrapped into one. These successive failures each larger than the last show me that my rampant fever dreams weren’t all that far fetched after all. Why would I say that? Well it certainly would be true if I stopped trying. The key word in possibilities is possible. What these events made me realize is that as tough as it is to not have a relationship or date or anything work in your favor the real blow is completely withdraw. The ill fated trip I mentioned was only a mere few days ago. I’m still processing it and have considered withdrawing altogether. But then I’ll never get to move in with someone special or even have the chance to feel strongly enough to let my mind go there. It makes me happy to feel that way about someone and I will not allow failure or rejection to take that slice of happiness away from me.